Struggling with Anger? Check Out this Great Read!

This is such a great book that has changed so many lives and really helps those of us who struggle with anger.  

Do yourself a favor and check it out. You won't be sorry! Get "The Anger Management Sourcebook" by Glenn Schiraldi today!

If you read it and like it send us a message letting us know how you were helped.

Cheers!

First Steps to Healing When You Discover They’ve Cheated

Great advise that will change your life if you have been cheated on!  If you have just found out that your spouse has cheated on you this is what you need to do:

Realize that the roller coaster your about to ride is quite a ride of emotions that thousands of people board every day.Unfortunately, you are not alone.

The choices you make in the moment of discovery will impact what your road to recovery will look like, so choose wisely.

Try to remain calm.Try not to say or do something you could later regret. But when you do have times where your feelings are mismanaged don’t beat yourself up. You are very normal.

When one minute you feel sad, the next you feel rage, and the next you feel numb you are not going crazy you are experiencing symptoms of trauma.  You will likely discover a host of different feelings all at once and at different times, again this is normal.

Avoid the sexual details about the affair, if there are any, discovering this information will be re-traumatizing.  

You also do not want to read e-mails, love letters, or other correspondence for the same reason.

This is NOT your fault they cheated. 

Realize that the affair partner DOES deserve blame for the affair.  It takes two to tango.  But bashing their face in will only get you time in prison - so don't do it. 

That leads me to this:give yourself 6-12 weeks before you make any major life decisions like leaving because you need closure and healing and if your spouse is willing to stay and work things out you could really be able to come away a fully healed person, so try to be brave, you can do it...and you owe it to yourself. 

Seek support from a same-sex friend or family member who has been supportive of your marriage all along.This person should be a sounding board but should not take the place of your spouse because ultimately your spouse needs to be the healer.

Realize that the first 90 days are the hardest.

It is important to note that by talking about forgiveness in the next few points we are NOT telling you that you should just forgive, forget, and never talk about the affair or address concerns that you have.  We are simply just giving you information so that you will know what forgiveness looks like and how it helps you.  Forgiveness may come tomorrow and may not come for years and years if ever.  So just take it as useful information.

Forgiveness is a process not an event. It isnotthe shallow“oh I forgive you....but I will never live free of anger, resentment, hard feelings, or rage towards you.”  While all of those feelings rightfully happen they don’t free you from the pain of the trauma.  

Forgiveness is for YOU.Hanging on to bitterness and anger is life threatening.  You have a right to be furious...but healing and forgiveness comes when you can work through the pain and find meaning.

The moment you decide to seek understanding of what happened you are beginning the forgiveness process. For your sake we hope you see it through to the point where you can say “I trust you again.”  

Think of that great day when you can wake up in the morning and be free of the pain and worry of infidelity.Healing can happen even if your spouse has left you for the other person. Counseling can help you achieve that.

One last tidbit to make you feel good,the relationship your spouse strikes up with the affair partner is built on lies.  More often then not they never work.Don’t take bitterness and resentment into the next relationship or into the new future with your spouse. You owe it to your family, your kids, your spouse, and to yourself to fully recover and heal.

NEXT WEEK: 

So You Have Cheated on Your Spouse, Now What?

Do you like what you’re reading?  You can use this information and share this blog post just as long as you include the following statement exactly as you see it below at the end of your post:

“Brad Robinson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and an expert in infidelity recovery in Tulsa, OK. Together with his wife Morgan Robinson they teach people about how to understand and overcome infidelity and how to make their marriage thrive even after betrayal. You can learn more about their work by visiting www.familyandlifesolutions.com”

Healing Trauma & Depression As A Couple

In this post we talked about how research has shown that couples therapy is becoming more and more effective in helping individual issues.  The reason is because everyone needs a support system and everyone needs to feel connected to others, especially to our significant other, emotionally.  This need for connection to others is known as the Attachment Theory in psychology. 

We also talked about if an individual has experienced trauma, if they have a significant other walk with them through their healing process, then they are more likely to heal and heal quicker than if they had to go at it alone.  

Part II will discuss why couples counseling is effective in helping individuals overcome trauma. Susan Johnson, a highly respected couple’s therapist, said, “Isolation and a lack of secure connection to others undermine a person’s ability to deal with traumatic experience.  Conversely, secure emotional connections with significant others offer a powerful antidote to traumatic experience (Johnson, in press).”

How does a secure relationship help us heal and deal with trauma?  Well, to simplify it, a traumatic experience turns our world upside down and a good relationship with our significant other can turn our world around by soothing us, offering safety, promoting confidence and trust, and helping us to feel comfortable in taking risks and learning new coping mechanisms to name a few.  

On the other hand if your relationship is not good then that in-and-of-itself is a traumatic experience.  If you have experienced war, past sexual abuse, a life altering accident, or any other sort of trauma, a poor connection with your spouse can actually worsen the trauma from the past.  

“A significant portion of clients identified as having borderline personality disorders, most of whom are survivors of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), improve substantially in later life if they find a positive attachment relationship with an understanding other (Stone, 1990).”

Brad uses the Attachment Theory as a foundation when working with couples.  He works with couples to feel and become closer to each other by helping individuals feel comfortable being honest and forthright talking about issues.  He also helps each spouse rise to the occasion and teaches them how to become that caring support system their spouse so desperately needs.  

So here are the 10 central tenants of attachment theory as described by Susan Johnson in her book Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy with Trauma Survivors (some of this is copied directly from her book and some is my own interpretation in order to best explain attachment):

1. Attachment is an innate motivating force.  We all desire to be close. It is imbedded in our genetic make up.  It isn’t simply an infantile need but is what we all need in order to survive.
2. Secure dependence complements autonomy.  “There is no such thing as complete independence from others or overdependence (Bretherton & Munholland, 1999).  There is only effective or ineffective dependance.”  Surprisingly, the more securely dependent we are the more autonomous and separate we can confidently be.  
3. Attachment offers a safe haven.  Even back in the stone age people lived together, worked together, fought together and without one another there surely would be no procreation and death of a population was insured.  As a survival mechanism, people need to be securely bonded to one another for safety.  If this is not possible stress and uncertainty is the outcome.
4. Attachment offers a secure base.  It is a spring board for people and a foundation they can refer to.  When you know you have a secure place to return to you feel more confident and encouraged to explore the world and take necessary risk, to learn, and continually reinvent yourself.
5. Accessibility and responsiveness build bonds. The building blocks of secure bonds are emotional accessibility and responsiveness.  It is emotional engagement that is crucial.  In attachment terms, any response (even anger) is better than none.  If there is no engagement, no emotional responsiveness, the message from the attachment figure is “Your signals don’t matter, and there is no connection between us.”
6. Fear and uncertainty activate attachment needs. When an individual is threatened (by traumatic events, the negative aspects of everyday life such as illness, or an assault on the security of the attachment bond itself) emotions arise and the need for comfort and connection become very obvious.   People begin to ask “Where am I in proximity to my spouse?” or “Where do we stand?” or “What does my partner think of me?” or “Do they love me?” or “Can I depend on you when I need you?”.
7. The promise of separation distress is predictable.  When someone reaches out to the spouse for connection but the spouse fails to comfort them and respond to their efforts then the normal response is angry protest, clingy behavior, depression, and despair.  Ultimately, this leads to detachment.  Depression is a very natural response to a lack of connection in your relationships.  
8. A finite number of insecure forms of engagement can be identified.  There are only so many ways a person can respond to negative answers to the plea for connection.  Our responses fit into two different categories: anxiety and avoidance.  When the attachment or connection between an irreplaceable other like your spouse, a parent, or a child anxious behavior may increase.  You may become more clingy, pursue harder, and even become quite aggressive.  Or you may become more detached or avoid the situation or conversations out of fear.  These are strategies people use to protect themselves from further pain.  
9. Attachment involves working models of the self and the other.  This is how you view yourself and how you view others.  If you view yourself as lovable and worthy of care and as confident and competent this is a secure attachment and can determine your responses to situations.  Securely attached relationships can help us grow and become a person who views ourself that way because we look to others to validate our opinions naturally.  Securely attached people, who believe others will be responsive when needed, tend to have working models of others as dependable and worthy of trust.  These outlooks are formed by thousands of interactions and become expectations and biases carried forward into new relationships.  The way we relate to ourselves and our significant other is infused with emotion.
10. Isolation and loss are inherently traumatizing.  When someone has experienced trauma in their past and the isolation that follows, their personality formation and their ability to deal with other stresses in life is greatly altered.    

HELP for the New Year

Each year we set new years resolutions and we hear from every self help author about how to achieve those goals.  If you are one to enjoy self improvement books and audio tapes then check these out.  We recommend listening to Brian Tracy and the late Zig Zigler if you are interested in getting motivated and encouraged.  Zig gives more general advice and Brian Tracy makes more application of the same wisdom. 

Two other great self improvement author/speakers are Earl Nightingale and Napoleon Hill.  You may recognize Napoleon Hill by his book Think and Grow Rich.  So if you have an aspiration to read more check Napoleon out.  It is well worth your time.  If you are “not a reader” check out the books-on-cd option.  We spend so much time in our cars going to work and other activities.  Turn your vehicle into a university on wheels and see how much you learn!

Fixing Yourself Alone Doesn't Fix The Relationship

We know that when we get married that we are marrying an individual with many habits, personality traits, likes, dislikes, and of course a person with a history.  As we embark on a new future we have to recognize that we each have experienced different painful events and moments that sometimes get in the way of living a happy and healthy life.  

Some people feel like they shouldn’t get married or strike up friendships because there is something wrong with themselves and they need to be fixed before they can move forward with another person.  Now sometimes this is warranted - but more often than not - what you are experiencing is something that thousands of people face and to have someone walk through the fire and work it out with you is just what you need.  

We often think of couples therapy as just working on the relationship but more and more we see that couples therapy is also very useful for helping with individual issues as well. 

Research conducted by a group called Barlow & Colleagues found that when spouses were included in treatment for anxiety, success rate jumped from 46 to 82%.

The study also says that “recently, couple therapy has also been used to address “individual” problems such as depression and anxiety disorders, agoraphobia, addictions, and eating disorders (Baucom, Shoham, Mueser, Daiuto, & Stickle, 1998).”

In our office we have found that relationships are profoundly effected by depression and post traumatic stress caused by things like infidelity, past sexual abuse, and abuse by previous relationships.  It is amazing what a caring and attentive spouse can do for a person’s healing.  To know that someone will do what it takes to help you overcome the demons means so much.  It does not go overlooked and unappreciated.  

Do you like what you’re reading?  You can use this information and share this blog post just as long as you include the following statement exactly as you see it below at the end of your post:

“Brad Robinson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and an expert in infidelity recovery in Tulsa, OK. Together with his wife Morgan Robinson they teach people about how to understand and overcome infidelity and how to make their marriage thrive even after betrayal. You can learn more about their work by visiting www.familyandlifesolutions.com”