Marriage Blog
Although some would not consider an emotional entanglement an affair, this type of relationship can be just as devastating and destructive as a sexual affair. Emotional affairs are not commonly discussed, and frequently, their lack of sexual involvement is used as a rationalization as to why it’s not an affair. But technicalities in no way absolve the reality of the situation....
In this situation, the betrayer is involved with the affair partner, but at the same time, the betrayer does not want to leave the marriage. The betrayer considers the affair partner a soul mate.
These affairs frequently spring from a relationship in which the two individuals share something in common such as music, art, movies, video games or another interest. Typically, this interest is something they don't share in common with the spouse, so they turn to the affair partner for understanding, companionship, and support....
This affair occurs after an injured spouse feels like they are not healing and they want to make their betraying spouse understand the pain they are in. Typically this occurs after several months of trying to recover from the affair and they feel like are not getting answers as to why it occurred. The betrayer may have an affair in this scenario for several different reasons i.e. to boaster their self-esteem, feel desired, or they rationalize, "I'm a person too you can't keep treating me this way.".....
Most affairs have characteristics of this type of affair, but this also can be its own separate category.
This is an affair that occurs because the spouse doesn’t care about the future of the marriage. They have reached a place where they simply don’t care about being with their spouse. The betrayer feels beat up by the negative cycle the couple has experienced and as a result they start to feel resentment, alone, sad and simply start caring less about the marriage.....
This type of affair occurs when somebody has been raped or forced into sex by another individual, but the spouse doesn't believe that he or she has been taken advantage, as a result the spouse was sexually coerced is in a horrible position because they've been sexually assaulted and their spouse believes they were an active participant in an affair. Characteristics include...
The Philanderer’s Affair occurs because the betrayer believes that having an affair is “normal.” These betrayers are different from sex addicts and those who have one night stands. They believe that cheating is a way of life. They were probably taught cheating is okay by a parent, coworker, or friend. They live by the motto, “As long as no one gets hurt, it’s okay.” Often times couples who have clearly defined “roles” as a husband and wife, (such as the man is the provider and the wife is a stay at home mom), can easily fall into this trap. As distinctions between roles diminish and spouses share roles affairs of this type will be less likely. This type of an affair feeds off of their being an unequal share of power in the relationship.....
These affairs are committed by individuals who have an ongoing pattern of sexual betrayal, such as frequenting topless bars or adult bookstores, viewing pornography, compulsive masturbation, prostitution, repetitive encounters with sexual partners, and other behaviors that are destructive to both the individual and to the marital relationship.
These individuals, though in a committed relationship, have never been able to find complete fulfillment from their relationship. Rather, they are enslaved by....
Characteristics:
Jack was betrayed by his wife Molly. She had an affair with his best friend, who was his boss at work. As they try to work through the affair Jack feels feels unsafe with Molly. He believes he has no security and feels like he is having to guess what is on her mind. Having to guess only creates more uncertainty and fear for Jack. Jack responds to this uncertainty by questioning, lecturing, blowing up with anger, and experiencing deep levels of anxiety. Jack and Molly are caught in a nasty cycle of criticize/withdrawal....
This entry is part 3 in the series of blog post on how what each spouse is experiencing in recovering from an affair can easily turn negative. This entry covers what betrayers typically experience when recovering from an affair. In part 2 I described what injured spouses typically experience when recovering from an affair. Part 1 in this series discussed the 6 components of a negative cycle.
Limerence or romantic love grows in stages. First the betrayer is content to see the affair partner now and then. But as the addiction escalates, they need more and more of their “drug.” As the addiction grows, they feel the need to be with their affair partner more and more until it develops into a craving and eventually they feel like they can’t not live without their affair partner.
If the betrayer is uncertain if they want to give the marriage a second chance or be with the affair partner, they need to follow the advice given below. As limerence, this addictive romantic feeling grows the betrayer is more likely to want to leave the marriage and have a much greater potential for having a “relapse” much like a drug addict would. So how does a betrayer end their feelings of limerence?
These things I’ve written below are not suggestions, if you are serious about rebuilding the marriage you need to follow what I am laying out. Remember this addiction can be ended, it just takes determination and time.
This type of limerent affair is really about the experience of “love addiction.” Those experiencing this type of affair have a repetitive pattern of moving from one relationship to the next, because the love they are looking for doesn’t last. This type of affair isn’t necessarily about sex. It is about finding the one right person who can make them happy, unfortunately they never find them, so they continue searching. Because the betrayer is on a never-ending search for the“right one,” it prevents them from making a full commitment to the marriage.
The person experiencing this type of affair may be uncertain if they want to continue in their marriage. After having been with their spouse for only a few years they can decide their mate isn’t “Mr. or Mrs. Right” they continue their search for the “One.”
The experience of falling in love isn’t really true love at all. True love is a choice that is made long after the feelings have faded. Those feelings we experience when falling in love eventually fade, and their supposed too. Because true love is experienced when you don’t feel like it.
This type of affair occurs with both males and females.
The betrayer tends to only see the positive qualities of the affair partner, they are infatuated with. At this point they are incapable of judging their negative characteristics. While they may see the defects, they won’t give these defects consideration.
At times this occurs even when there may not be an actual relationship with the person they are “infatuated” with. It can be more like an obsession about another person.
Those experiencing this type of affair may complain about the lack of romantic love in the marital relationship.
This type of affair is one of two ways it may be experienced for those having an affair. Not every affair has limerence as a component.
This type of limerent affair is characterized by the betrayer believing they are "madly in love" with the affair partner, and they are willing to risk everything to be with their affair partner. With this type, betrayers feel love sickness when they are not with their affair partner and feel powerless to stop this love addiction to them. (Read earlier blog posts of limerence for a complete description of what they are experiencing.)
It is not uncommon for them to feel guilty about what they are doing, but at the same time, they feel they are no longer in love with their spouse and know that they will never be happy unless they are with their lover.
This limerent affair is not necessarily based on sex, but on the powerful emotions they experience with this person. In this type of affair, betrayers have most likely made the decision to leave their marriage. They believe that they can never be happy unless they get to be with the one they love.
Many times there is a pattern of the betrayer swinging back and forth between their marriage and their affair partner. When they are at home, trying to do what is right, they are miserable and feel they will never be happy. When they are with their affair partner, they are ecstatic, but may be feeling so guilty that they can't stand it, so they move back home only to feel miserable and to realize once again that they can never be happy unless they go back to the affair partner. The betrayer's in and out stance can continue for years. Betrayers often seem incapable of making a decision about what they are going to do. Even though they don’t want to be in the marriage.
This situation is not hopeless, even though you probably have been told numerous times it is by your spouse. While this description may cause you to believe your situation is hopeless, please know that it is not.
Often times with this type of affair, the betrayer has a very difficult time completely cutting of the affair partner even after the affair is "over." This may also be because the affair partner is also experiencing limerence.
Part of the process of working through this type of affair is the betrayer needs to understand what they are experiencing. They may continue to believe the affair partner is their soul mate, until they understand what limerence really is and how to get out of it. Until that is done this dance of insanity will probably continue for a long time.
As we already discussed in a previous blog post, limerence is the name given to the condition people experience when they experience lovesickness, infatuation, obsessive love and addictive love.
What a typical limerence experience looks like as described by Dorothy Tennov. Each step listed below builds on top of the other:
Limerent episodes on average have a minimum duration of 1-3 years to 7 years, with a few dissipating within 6 months and some lasting decades.
Not every affair has the characteristics of limerence, but many do. And those affairs that do have characteristics of limerence they do not necessarily last for many years or go through all the steps listed below. The limerent affairs that last for years are those where limerence has reached its full peak. Understanding limerence may be important to understanding who your spouse was during their affair.
Limerence is commonly known as infatuation, lovesickness, romantic love, love addiction, or obsessive love. More clinically, by Wakin and Vo (2008) limerence has been defined as “an involuntary interpersonal state that involves intrusive, obsessive, and compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation from the object of interest.” Limerence is what many people experience when they “fall in love” or have a “romantic relationship” with someone.
Limerence researcher, Dorothy Tennov suggests that limerence is a “certain state that some people were in much of the time, others in some of the time, but still others never in, or at least not yet.”
Dorothy Tennov also describes the following signs of what a person is experiencing with limerence.
We each play a role in our relationship, right? I mean it wouldn't be a relationship if there weren't two people. So we each have habitual responses that we've learned over the years and some are good and some are bad. Most of the time the methods we learned to use in order to cope as a kid are what we still use as adults. If we didn't learn a healthy way to communicate and rely on others as a young person we may be struggling in our present relationships as well.
Simply put, do new, exciting, and different activities together. Exciting experiences enhance feelings of attraction.
When you do something with your spouse that gives you a feeling of danger, it stimulates adrenaline. Adrenaline as psychologist have pointed out, makes us feel closer and more romantic with our spouse.
Doing new, exciting, and different activities elevates the level of dopamine in the brain. Dopamine is the chemical associated with romantic love. Research has pointed out that couples who do exciting, adrenaline pumping activities as compared to less stimulating, more normal, average activities together have increased feelings of happiness and more intense feelings of romantic love.
This can work even if you are the only one trying to work on the relationship. You should invite them to join you in something risky and exciting. Maybe travel over night or out of the country, go bungee jumping, river rafting, or trying a new restaurant, doing something at the last minute to a sports game or to the theater, or swimming after the sun goes down. It is important to understand that anything rousing and unusual has the potential to trigger romantic love.
Here are some more ideas:
There are literally hundreds of ideas if you use your imagination! It just needs to be exciting, new, and different to recapture the feelings of romantic love.
It is always important to seek counseling to help with this process.
Do you like what you’re reading? You can use this information and share this blog post just as long as you include the following statement exactly as you see it below at the end of your post:
“Brad Robinson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and an expert in infidelity recovery in Tulsa, OK. Together with his wife Morgan Robinson they teach people about how to understand and overcome infidelity and how to make their marriage thrive even after betrayal. You can learn more about their work by visiting www.MarriageSolutionsTulsa.com”
