What Causes Dysfunctional Relationships?

July 22nd, 2011

Myths about What Causes Dysfunctional Relationships/Marriages Marriage Counseling Tulsa

I want to burst some bubbles about what causes Dysfunctional Relationships/Marriages or what causes Divorce. They are:

1. “Affairs are the Major Cause of Divorce.” Actually the major cause of divorce (80%) of the time is that people become distant and drift apart. This is because the couple failed to maintain there intimacy and friendship over time. Most affairs aren’t about sex, but about friendship that leads to sex. The cheating partner found someone who offers friendship and affection. 

2. “Score Keeping is Okay.” No it is NOT. Thinking that says, “I did this for this person and it never got reciprocated.” Will lead to more trouble and it is in fact a sign that your relationship is in trouble. Happy relationships don’t have “emotional accountants.” 

3. “Dominance Structures in Relationships are Dysfunctional.” Not so fast according to recent research. Research has shown that there is more conflict when people must work out who is in charge of each thing in contrast to when there are gender lines on who does what. Structures in social groups are designed to minimize conflict. Here is what makes “Dominant Relationships” work: both people in the relationship feel like they are being treating fairly and each partner’s emotional needs are being met. 

Remember: marriage counseling can improve your marriage. 

10 Things We Know From Gottman's Research!

10 Things We Now Know From Gottman’s Marriage Research - Marriage Counseling Tulsa

1. Gottman method couples therapy is 45% more effective than regular couples therapy. 75% of couples “trying” a marriage counselor before divorce court report feeling happier in their relationship, and because they are happier they don’t call it quits. 

2. It is based on over 40 years of scientific research. Where couples in good times and bad times were/are watched 12 hours a day to record everything they do including their heart beat. They are observed by cameras in an apartment lab that is set up like a bed and breakfast. 

3. Because of the extensive research we now know what really makes a relationship work & what doesn’t make it work. I think you’d be surprised by the results. 

4. It isn’t the problem you encounter but the way you talk about it, that is REALLY the problem between a couple.

5. The most important thing in predicating if a relationship won’t survive in 3 years with over 90% accuracy is the sign of CONTEMPT in the relationship. Contempt is feeling like someone is less than you as a person. The body language for contempt in all cultures is best described as having a fish hook in the left side of your mouth. It pulls your cheek to the side. I’ve noticed it this at times for split seconds in a session and it helps me understand just how troubled the marriage/relationship is in. 

6. The strength of a couples relationship is based not on just one secret, but actually seven principles. 

7. Improving a relationship is based on spending time with your partner each day to discuss the major events in their day. Doing this for 20 minutes a day you will be amazed by how much you’ll learn about your partner and how your friendship will blossom. 

8. Arguing doesn’t lead to divorce or unhappy relationships. Its how you argue. Use a gentle start up when you start something that is sensitive. Don’t use a harsh start up. Remaining calm will work wonders. Gottman’s research has shown how a difficult conversation starts is how it will end. Meaning if you start on a harsh tone you will probably have little chance of getting what you want, and it will end harshly. 

9. A couples friendship is their best predicator of lasting success. So don’t let the kids come between you, because when they turn 18 and leave, your marriage might leave with them.

10. 70% of couples experience a decreasing in relationship satisfaction after the birth of a child. This can be improved by having the husband increase his workload around the house, and learning to be more supportive of his wife’s and baby’s needs. 

11. Bonus - Marriage counseling can improve your marriage.