Stay or Go? 7 Questions for Betrayed Partners to Ask!

So many people ask us should I stay with someone who hurts me?  How do I know if they will cheat on me again?  Am I doing the right thing by working on this relationship?  

These are all good questions worthy of consideration.  But we want to give you 7 questions you can ask that we think will really help you to sort out whether or not this is a pattern that will continue or if it was just a mistake that probably won't happen again.

Ask yourself these 7 questions to help you sort out the facts from fiction:

Is this infidelity a part of a larger picture of cheating and lying?

Do they keep secrets about other aspects of their life?  If you've caught them lying to you about other things or if you've simply found that they've cheated before, you want to be cautious about letting them back into your life without some serious consideration.

Sometimes a person will show their true colors in other aspects of their life.  Do they feel that it's okay if a friend is unfaithful?  Do you hear them talking about unfaithfulness in other situations as though it were no big deal?  This can reveal a lot about a person's attitude towards respect of boundaries, honesty, and fidelity.

Has this kind of thing happened before?

Seems like a continuation of question one but really, ask yourself, have they been unfaithful before?  If they have then consider what they've done to prevent this from happening again.  Are they open to taking steps to make sure it doesn't happen again or that the vulnerabilities that were there that lead to the infidelity are fixed.

Do you trust your partner to tell you the truth about other things?

Are they honest with the little things?  Do you find that they lie about other little things in life?  When someone can't be trusted with the little things they certainly can't be trusted with the big things in life.  So look at this very carefully.

Is your partner generally dependable and trustworthy?

Can you depend on your partner to do what they say they will do?  When you ask them to do something are they consistently dropping the ball and making excuses?  Trust your gut.  Are they dependable?

Is your partner understanding about your pain? 

This is really important.  If they can't step back and try to understand how you feel then they may not care.  But on the other hand they may not have the skills to understand your pain.  That's how couples counseling can really be helpful and transformative.

Is your partner willing to help your anxiety by being accountable?

This is a BIG one!  If they are not willing to be open and completely transparent then something's fishy and not right.  That means passwords and curfews for a while...whatever you need to feel like they're being honest and consistent.  Obviously these things won't fix the relationship long term but while you're in the healing process you want to feel like they don't have anything to hide.  If they are willing to do what it takes to help you feel at ease then consider what they may be hiding.

Are they willing to work on the relationship in counseling?

Now we aren't saying you should leave them if they don't want to go to counseling.  Many people are afraid to face a marriage therapist.  That's why we have the online video orientation, so you can help them feel more at ease about trying counseling.  But if they aren't willing to fix the underlying issues in the relationship then you're setting yourself up for failure.  Remember: you can't expect to do the same things you've always done and get different results.

Stay or Go? Questions for Involved Partners

It is important that you do not make the mistake of deciding on the basis of comparing an exciting, illicit romance with a stable, long-term marriage. 

•  Picture yourself with the affair partner in a longer-term committed relationship.
• What would life be like 5 years from now; 20 years from now?
• Ask yourself whether the affair partner wants to have children. If you already have a family, do you want to be raising another family in the future?
• What would it be like for you and your affair partner to raise stepchildren together?
• How would your children handle your marriage to the person who broke up their intact family?
• What were the things that attracted you to your affair partner? If these traits were to become exaggerated, would you still be attracted? For example, if you like the fact that your affair partner is always frank and direct, imagine what it would be like to be with someone who’s brutality honest. 
• What will it be like when the passion of a forbidden love wears off ten years from now? Imagine how forlorn you might have been if something had prevented you from marrying your spouse. You probably would have believed forever that you had lost the one true love of your life.
• Would you still want to divorce your spouse even if the relationship with the affair partner doesn’t work out? 
• Visualize where you want to be 10 or 20 years from now - where you want to be living, how you want to spend your time, and what gives you pleasure. 
• What happened to the dreams you once had about what it would be like to grow old together with your spouse?
• Remember marriage counseling can help you avoid divorcing and help you rebuild your marriage. 

7 Surprising Facts About Infidelity!

The following 7 facts often surprise people about infidelity.  So many people have been completely lied to and have no idea what really causes people to cheat.

1. A happy marriage is not a vaccine against infidelity.
2. The person having the affair may not be giving enough at home rather than not getting enough. 
3. It is normal to be attracted to another person, but fantasizing about what it would be like to be with an other person is a danger sign.
4. Flirting is crossing the line because it is an invitation that indicates receptivity. 
5. Infidelity is not only about love or sex - it’s about maintaining appropriate boundaries with others and being open and honest in your committed relationship. 
6. You do not have to have sexual intercourse to be unfaithful. Passionate kissing or oral sex is a violation of your commitment to your partner. 
7. Emotional affairs are characterized by secrecy, emotional intimacy, and sexual chemistry. Emotional affairs can be more threatening than brief sexual flings.

Remember marriage counseling can help you avoid divorcing and help you rebuild your marriage. 

4th Sign that Divorce is Near!

The fourth and final sign that the end is near in your marriage is STONEWALLING. 

Note: The end is only near if there is no intervention like marriage counseling.  

This simply means the listener withdraws from the interaction while staying in the room. Basically this means not giving cues that he or she is listening i.e. by looking at the side and not maintaining eye contact or crossing one's arms. This is very common in men. 

Solution? Use PHYSIOLOGICAL SELF-SOOTHING, meaning learn to calm yourself down. Usually when someone is stonewalling their heart beat is close to 100 beats per minute. When your heart beat gets that high your adrenaline is pumping and you are in survival mode because you are being verbally beat up. 

The key to self-soothing is to use relaxation techniques like deep breathing or tightening and relaxing muscles in your body. Marriage counseling can help your marriage.

Do You Have The 3rd Sign that Divorce is Near In Your Relationship?

This is sign to end all signs, this warning sign is so bad that marriage researchers just by spotting this warning sign can predict divorce with 94% accuracy. The end is only near if there is no intervention like marriage counseling.

The sign is CONTEMPT.

To be contemptuous is to put someone down, and to take a higher plan i.e. taking a higher moral ground. It's a position that says, "I am better, smarter, kinder/etc than you are." It can be accompanied by a belligerent attitude. When contempt is present in a relationship it is accompanied by a negative habit of mind where the wife scans the environment for her husbands mistakes rather than for what is positive or what she can appreciate. Now there is a cross-cultural universal facial expression of contempt: a lateral pull of the left lip corner to the side creating a dimple on the left side. 

Solution?

Create a CULTURE OF APPRECIATION! Be thankful! 

Key ways to do this is to communicate to your partner what you like and love about them on a regular basis. It is more meaningful when it is done unexpectedly and in small ways, but done everyday. Let them know you are thankful for: being with them, knowing them, and what they do for you. Remember marriage counseling can help you avoid divorcing and help you rebuild your marriage. 

2nd Sign that Divorce is Near!

The next sign that you maybe in a troubled marriage is DEFENSIVENESS. The end is only near if there is no intervention like marriage counseling.  

Defensiveness follows criticism in the dysfunctional pattern of marital communication. What causes someone to feel defensive in a marital discussion is being criticized by their partner. When someone is criticized they are not thinking about what role they had in creating a problem but they are naturally thinking about how they are right and the criticizer is wrong. So defensiveness actually results in the defensive partner to criticize to show how "right" they are. It creates more criticism and causes nothing to be  resolved in your marriage. 

Solution?

When you are criticized accepted responsibility for your part in the situation, even if it is a minor role. If you don't the cycle of criticism and defensiveness will play out in your marriage and cause you to grow apart. Marriage counseling can help your marriage. 

 

What Causes Dysfunctional Relationships?

July 22nd, 2011

Myths about What Causes Dysfunctional Relationships/Marriages Marriage Counseling Tulsa

I want to burst some bubbles about what causes Dysfunctional Relationships/Marriages or what causes Divorce. They are:

1. “Affairs are the Major Cause of Divorce.” Actually the major cause of divorce (80%) of the time is that people become distant and drift apart. This is because the couple failed to maintain there intimacy and friendship over time. Most affairs aren’t about sex, but about friendship that leads to sex. The cheating partner found someone who offers friendship and affection. 

2. “Score Keeping is Okay.” No it is NOT. Thinking that says, “I did this for this person and it never got reciprocated.” Will lead to more trouble and it is in fact a sign that your relationship is in trouble. Happy relationships don’t have “emotional accountants.” 

3. “Dominance Structures in Relationships are Dysfunctional.” Not so fast according to recent research. Research has shown that there is more conflict when people must work out who is in charge of each thing in contrast to when there are gender lines on who does what. Structures in social groups are designed to minimize conflict. Here is what makes “Dominant Relationships” work: both people in the relationship feel like they are being treating fairly and each partner’s emotional needs are being met. 

Remember: marriage counseling can improve your marriage.