Questions to Ask When You've Discovered They Look At Porn
So you just found out that your spouse has viewed pornography. Now what?
First, you will likely feel betrayed. For many spouses when they just learn that their spouse has viewed or routinely views pornography in their past or present there is a sense of betrayal.
It feels like you’ve been lied to and maybe you don’t know your spouse like you thought you did. For many it feels like an extra marital affair has taken place between your spouse and a stranger. Even if that stranger is on a screen.
Because of this many times the person who has been betrayed exhibits symptoms of post-traumatic stress or PTSD. This means a few things…
- You might have trouble sleeping. You may even have nightmares.
- Your mood may fluctuate. One minute you’ll seem fine, the next you’ll be weeping in a puddle of tears, the next extreme anger sets in, and then a deep sense of numbness.
- You may feel a sense of optimism followed by deep despair and hopelessness.
- Some feel ambiguity about the relationship. One minute you wonder if you should stay with your spouse and the next you are clambering to pick up the pieces. This can bring about a sense of guilt especially for those where divorce is not an option.
- You might be tempted to give into fear and shame…
…So there are a few things you need to know and then we will get to a solution…
First, you can heal from this. The traumatic symptoms are normal. As you deal with the betrayal you will see the pain subside and disappear. It will take time and it will take you getting help.
Second, just because your spouse has given into the temptation and porn trap does NOT mean they like it or want it more than you. Just because someone looked at porn once doesn’t always mean they’ll do it again. BUT porn is addictive and for some even one look can trap them if boundaries aren’t put into place.
SOLUTION: PAUSE AND ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS
One solution I want to share in this post are questions to ask your spouse as you are working towards understanding and healing from this.
The reason this is so important is because usually at the moment of discovery we are sometimes blindsided by the truth and we sometimes find ourselves running in fear and sadness. We forget to ask basic questions that make a big difference.
Be sure to ask these questions:
- How many times did you or do you view porn? If they were given a nudey magazine as a teenager, but they didn’t look at anything since then, they may feel compelled to tell you about it out of full disclosure but they haven’t looked at anything since. You may only hear, “I’ve looked at porn” and think they have a problem that is bigger then it really is. Once in a lifetime is much less of a problem then once a week.
- How often do you view pornography? Someone can become a sex addict relatively easily this day and age. It only takes 3 hours a week of porn viewing to slide down the slippery slope of addiction.
- How did you keep this a secret? Many times our spouse hasn’t really thought through how they kept it a secret. This one might take a little bit of soul searching.
- What were some of the ways you hid this habit from me or others in your life? This is another way to dig into question 3. Did they find themselves looking at porn at work or on their phone? What opportunities did they use to slip away and fly under the radar?
- What were you feeling when you first sought out? Stress, fear, sadness…etcAgain many times people aren’t in touch with their emotions and aren’t really self-aware enough to answer this one. This is one way counseling helps.
- How can I help you and keep you accountable? You are a big asset for their healing process. Your unconditional love and support will really help them get through the moments of temptation.
- Did anyone else in your life introduce porn to you? This is a good question because you can be aware of the people in their life that are not good influences and help them keep their distance. You can know the next time uncle Bob comes around that your spouse needs extra support. Maybe you can’t eliminate certain people from your life for whatever reason but you can certainly baton down the hatches when you must be around them.
- When do you feel the most tempted to look at porn? This can help you know when your partner needs the most support. Is it at the beginning of the month after the bills are due and they feel extra stress? Is it when you’re not available for whatever reason and they don’t know how to tell you they’re feeling lonely and they need you?
- How can I support you? Just knowing that you care and you’re there is very helpful. It’s really important to be a safe place for your spouse now. Let them know that if they come to you and tell you that they’ve relapsed or that they’re struggling you won’t fly off the handle or loose your temper. You will be a listening ear and you won’t judge them. You will love them. If you can do that you will increase the trust and decrease the shame they feel.